Fuck Me. :?

I guess it's just hard to be honest with myself? I clearly know that I am bi. I mean I love vagina, but I love dick too. :/
I moved to this college because I could decide who the real me is. But I got involved in a relationship. This being the hardest part. Things got really good fast. Just sucks. Because Im way to involved with her family as well. They have taken me in, done some awesome things. They give me money, give me so much... I couldn't end this relationship for that reason. I'd feel bad about the family. I guess I just want to be single for a little bit. Just long enough to mess around. Then go back?
I guess this is why marriage never really works, because people want to go have fun. And having fun would be awesome. I mean Im not even having sex with this girl. That is the hardest part. She does everything but that. Are you fucking kidding me?!
I guess if anything I could switch schools and go way far away. :P
That'd give me plenty of time to get away for a little while. :)
Then come back and be happy again. But then again who would I tell? I cant tell my closest friends because they all are close with my current girl friend. And the one Close friend that I have here at WIU would pretty much persuade me to come out. but how do u come out with a girl friend?
What would my family think?
I know my mothers side would be completely okay with it. Well not okay, but they wouldnt judge me for it.
However my dads side, theyd kill me. :/
They talk about all the time how my moms side must have messed up because they raised a gay kid. UGH. I guess the only person that I am really scared of letting down is my grandma. Why The Fuck is this so hard?


Confused. :/

Coming out?!

So today has been good so far. Well minus the morning. Woke up late for class. Damnit. Ran to class. Got blisters on my feet from the flip flops I was wearing. Then the teacher made a huge deal about it. Fuck off home girl! Then after that I was in a 3 hour chemistry lab. that sucked. The instructor could barely talk right, let alone teach me.

But my semi close friend came out today. I was the 4th person to know. Was really confused as to why he told me because we barely talk, were only close when we hang out? But I did feel cool that he came out. I always thought that he was, but then again people think that im gay.. and im not.... Maybe. Im pretty sure that I am, well i know that I am. And people assume I am already. so what do I fight it? For the mear fact, if i deny it, my family cant hate me. It sucks. Im not gay gay, im bi. Becuase I currently hold a girl friend. Im jsut attracted to men as well. I dont wanna have sex with them thou. Thats just an EW thought in my head. Id much rather have a vagina for that!

Volleyball was fun. Went to open gym. Was pretty fun, but pretty sure that I wont be making the team. But hey, i need to get out of my room more often. I smell really bad, and need a shower, but im currently blogging and eating chicken strips smutherd n hot sauce! My body aches from softball and tonight. Blah.

Gonna be a long night with Homework. been putting it off. Lord help me!

Until Next Blog

-Mystery Guy

Good day?

Today has been actually very good so far. Although, im starting to not want to go to classes, since im actually getting things to do. Last night I went out to BWW with a couple friends. I already knew them from my home town, but I was just really thankful to get out! Tonight Im going to an activites fair, which will help me find things to do on campus, and hopefully connect with people! Becuase I do love to talk, I just cant get the nerve to actually approach someone new with no reasoning behind it. After that I joined a softball team. Its played with a 16in ball, so it shouldnt be to hard. Im stoked for that too. Then I have to come back to study for a little bit before I go to the Ice Cream Social. Which damn I love me some Ice Cream.

Still trying to sell my car. A huge stresser in my life. I lay awake most nights contemplating ways to make money, ways to get ahead. If I can just sell this car, I will be GREAT. I can live my life and be happy. Id only have my cell phone bill. Its times like these that i wish I came from a family with money so that I could just have things paid for. I may wish it, but I know that for a fact I wouldnt be where I am today.

My life has been strugles. I didnt have my dad in my life for the longest time. He was more worried about drugs and pussy. I was really younge, todler age when my brother was born (At this time I was still involved in my dads life). I was taught to change his diaper, feed him, and basically raise thsi NEW BORN baby when I was 5 years old. I remember telling my mom about it, but shed never beliefve me because I was a kid making things up. Blah. Now my dad is coming back into my life and slowly making an impression. He still breaks promises, and still isnt around very ofter.... But at least he is sometimes?

Now I must study. As today has been a good day so far!

-Mystery Guy

Blah..

Most of my blogs are in fact, going to be quite depressing, or "sad" for the fact this is to get my thoughts onto paper. It sucks here. Im not even gonna lie. I hate this college, I dont wanna be here. I dont know anyone so therefor I sit in my room alone, and do nothing. I look forward to classes for the mere fact that I get to go out. I wish meeting people was easier for me. Im a loud, obnoxious, down to earth kinda guy, but SHY when it comes to meeting new people. Once someone intiates a conversation, alright thats my cmofort zone. Im ready to meet new people. Lego! But thats not happening. ive got a few people I hang out with, but thats about it. On week two, i should have more people to talk to and chill with? But im stuck, skyuping and talking to the same people back home. Which i dont mind becasue Im close with the people back home. It just sucks sometimes?

Got a care package from my mom today. which was in fact an exciting part of my day! Its almost noon, and im done with classes, ate lunch, and im just chilling here. Although i do have an interview on cmapus at 840. Was pissed this morning when I woke up and thought i was late. Had alarms set and everything. 839am comes around and im just waking up. SHIT! So i run down the steps, of course getting dressed first, and sit there. waiting for my turn. After I realise that nobody else is there, i ask for help. I get informed my interview is tonight! FUCK ME!! Then i came back up, got undressed, becasue I prefer to sleep naked, and layed down. forgetting to reset my alarm. Wake up 15 minutes before class. No big deal. Then i see my sticky notes (I have a shelf with sticky notes of reminders) and see i need to print my paper, print this letter, and something else i dont remember and it all HAS to be done for my 930 class. Luckly I made it with bout 30 seconds to spare. Blah!

One thing that really annoys me are over dramatic people. We read our papers a loud today for English 180. Weell it comes to this big girls turn, and she huffs and sighs. Bitch, you knew it was your turn. weve been following the same god damn order the whole class period! STFU! Then what is it with the kids here and writting papers? about 1/2 the class had profanity in there paper. I admit i have a hgeu potty mouth, but this is FORMAL WRITTING, word choice is everything. Are you trying to come off as incompitant and ingnorant? Damn.

Well for now this is all.
Is there anybody reading me?

-Mystery Guy

Depressing state of mind

So this weekend we had a family memorial for a cousin that we lost. Was volleyball and woodbat. I played in the volleyball, and yes i SUCKED ass. well i didnt, however, my team, they did. But was depressing because everything hit me. My aunt and uncle are getting a divorce. Worst thing ever. My aunt being my hero, someone I look up to, will no longer be at our family events. Its actually really hard. I feel stupid, shes not my mom, or wife, yet its crushing me inside?

Ive been depressed, having so much on my mind. Is college really for me? Whats the point in almost 24 years of schooling, just to live another 20-30? Idk, but for now, im fighting through it,. Because I dont wanna be no quitter.

Life is so short. In all aspects, its a blink of an eye. Trees and everything else stay for hundreds of years. as humans live a short time. Why do we take so many things for granted? It takes losing someone or something before we actually realise what we lost. Its a depressing state of mind. But we get so use to having something, that we forget it can be gone within the blink of an eye.

"Its nights like these, when i feel cold and empty, that I wish you were here, just to make things seem alright."

Were just gonna start with today.

Something Ive learned is this: The difference between how i grew up and how a 'rich' person grew up. Yes, in fact they had and probably still have life easy. Being spoon fed with everything. High school having nothing but nice clothes, and the best of the best. But myself on the other hand, I was grown up around struggles. Mom working, but barely makign it by. She didnt finish college, and my dad, well thats a complicated story. not really sure which side to believe. But that doesnt matter any more. At this time, he was really involved in my life. So i grew up in a single parent house hold. Ive seen what its like to go through struggles, and ive seen what the stress can do.

Since i was 14, ive held a job working my ass off to keep nice things. In my head it was simple, make it appear to others, and itll be true. Work my ass off to have a nice car (Shout out to my car Polar Bear: Black 2003 Saturn. Leather Interior. Heated seats. Sun roof. Automatic everything.), Nothing but name brand clothes. I was paying for most of bills. Always paid for car, insurance, and gas (minus the times my grandma and mom helped me out). There were times that I held 2 or 3 jobs. A lot to handle in High school? Better belive it! My grades werent the best, but I made it through. I skipped class just so i could sleep before work. Id show up to work sick, but made sure i slept during school. Everything around me, revolved on perseption. Showing other people that I can do me, reguardless of what I have.

I like to come off as I dont give a flying f*uck what people think about me. This is far from true. What people think about me is the center of who Ive become. Ive changed my standards to fit in with the 'in' crowd. Ive ppushed people away that have never left me, jsut because they werent the right people to be seen with. But this is all about to change. Im going to start showing the real me, losing friends, I really dont mind. Ive gotta come out on top, becuase of who i REALLY am. Im still going toc are about what people think, this is nothing but true.

So the main thing ive learned today (after going off on a different topic) is that yes, Ive struggled to pay bills, stretched myself to different limits, and hit rock bottom, BUT I have a drive and motivation that not many people can say they have. I know what its like to see struggles, I know that i DO NOT want that for myself. I have the motivation of my familes faults to push me forward. To fight through everything, jsut to make it. I refuse to end up like some of the peiople in my family. That sounds really bad? But im talking, i refuse to struggle paying bills, i refuse to tell my kids no because I cant afford it, and i refuse TO GIVE UP! Im coming out on top, with a degree, and hopefully a PhD. Yes then I will make everyone call me Dr. :)